BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY “SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER’

“I don’t want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend.”
― Nina LaCour, Hold Still

 

Those words are what went through my mind when I was writing my new Facebook status on 11th November  2013.   So much time has passed since that day, so many things have changed in my life.

Suicide seemed the only option for me after I walked out of my job.  Walking out of my job was my way of escaping a bully.   A bully who was so subtle in the method of bullying he used not even my boss agreed that I was being bullied.   But then I was faced with the reality of having nothing or at least I thought I had nothing and nobody.

Eleven months is a long time if your being bullied.   But it’s not that long if you’re being respected and the various jobs you’re doing in different departments are being acknowledged with more than negative words and grunts.

Even if I used the very same method and process as everyone else when doing my job the bully managed to find a fault.  Managed to point out with a sneer that things didn’t go that way even though they had gone that way for everyone else.   Looking back now I think it was the bully’s game to torment and try to bring down anyone who could do their job in an efficient effective manner.

From the 1st Jan to 11th Nov 2013 I took it all while struggling with personal problems. I had been scammed out of my life savings and was just after coming out of a very abusive marriage.  Today this day I thank God for Women’s Aid and The Rape Crisis Center.  They were my rocks through all this abuse.  I had reached rock bottom and had to move from my beautiful apartment into a studio room to get myself back on top again.

 

 

Home is where we can always return to no matter what is happening in our lives

 

I took all the bullying because it was easier than dealing with officialdom once again after court case’s to get barring and safety orders.  That was a massive mistake because none of us are built to contain abuse from others.  No one should be bullied or abused by anyone. I loved my job and my colleagues were an awesome source of support for me along with friends all over the world.    I lost myself in music as I shared and listen to music posted on FB music groups each night as I sat in that room . At times so sad and cold I’d just eat toast and cereal while sitting in my bed listening to jazz and old school hits .

That  day so long ago all I could see was a mouth moving and words were spewing from it like vomit from the sick.  Spewing all over and through me.  Filling my head and I escaped as I felt so threatened and useless.  On and on this mouth kept moving.  I removed part of my uniform and started to walk away .                                                                                    The voice  belonging to the bully  asked:             “Where do you think you’re going ?”    I replied  ” home, away from you”    I turned and walked away the last words ringing in my ears  ” Good , go on then.”   I stumbled to get my belongings and Thanked a colleague for being kind to me as I made my way out to fresh air.   That walk was the strangest walk I ever took in my life down the busy street through shoppers and traffic.   I let myself into the room in the big old house on Frankfort Avenue .  The silence was my blanket as I climbed into bed .   Going through what had just happened I saw suicide as my only escape.            As far as I knew I now had  no income to pay my rent and other bills.   I had no savings to fall back on and I didn’t  know anyone well enough in the city to start asking for money.  Pride also stopped me from seeking aid.  I come from a family where we put the mask on and carried on through life no matter what was happening.   But my mask had fallen and broken.  it was as broken as I felt.    Through social media, I had made friends, some good but some just users.

My partner’s blood pressure tablets were there at that moment and as I wrote my FB status of farewell to everyone I took these with water,  Sure this was so easy and with me gone I believed the world and my partner would be better.   Oh gosh, so many people saw that status and my phone was ringing, the inbox and FB wall was getting busy .  I logged off and climbed into bed to meet my maker.   But as God dispose’s of our plans this didn’t happen.  Instead, my beloved arrive home unusually early.   He answered phone calls and made calls .  Very soon I was being put in an ambulance and bound for a hospital.

Unknown to me prayers were going up to God for my life through private FB threads, in churches, mosques and prayer meetings all over the world.   My life was saved and I was brought home to that room once again.  I knew something had to change. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with bullying or abuse.  I also needed to get back to work as the Irish social welfare payments hardly paid bills and rent.

Let me tell you these earthly Angels do exist.  I was helped by earthly Angels to pay bills. Never again can anyone say money does not come out of Nigeria because I received financial assistance from people I have never met who are based in Nigeria.  Good people who God use to ease my burden.

Eventually, I returned to work and I proved to myself that I was still able to do my job efficiently  and effectively.   One day walking up the road towards work a thought came into my mind and that thought was to make me take a  massive step of faith.  I asked for a transfer which I was granted.  I asked for this transfer without even planning one step of it or telling my partner.  But as my life was in God’s hands it all has worked out brilliantly.

My blog

Its turning around for us! Take a step of faith and see God working  shows how faith carried me through my life.

 

Suicide should not be hidden under the carpet along with mental health, abuse, rape and forced marriages.  These are a reality for me and so many other people.  I speak about these topics using this blog and my Facebook page and twitter. Speaking From Experience And My Heart  without fear,  Fear needs to be lost because it holds so many of us back from sharing to help others.  I am not looking for sympathy but I am trying to give others the courage to ask for help because suicide is not the answer to any problem or issue .

I will speak to any group big or small about my life experiences and can be contacted on my email bernieadufedarcy@gmail.com

God bless you and Thanks for reading my blog.  Please leave a comment .